It was a Different Life
by Zandra's Ashes
Summary: What did John turn his back on when he left McMurdo?  Unable to believe the value other's placed on their relationships with him he almost lost the most precious gift of love a man can know.  Original char. A/U or a backstory that could have been.
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: Don't own, don't make any money off of my "borrowing" of these beloved characters.

A/N: I've been off the grid a while. Spending way too much time in hospitals. I've got stories hanging…and I am sorry. This story is unlike any other I've done prior in the SGA fanfic genre, but it's been giving me a migraine so I finally relented and began hashing it out. I can't promise I will ever get to finish others…and I am not happy about that. But, I can't tell you how much I've missed you all, this community, and other friendships that have lapsed during this time of my life. I hope you all are well and I thank you for taking the time to stop by and check this out. As (almost) always, this is unbetaed. I apologize for any pain that incurs to your eyes ;) I try hard...but am human.

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><p>She stood in the gateroom watching the Deadalus depart from the landing dock. She wasn't entirely sure why she'd agreed to this and hadn't quite wrapped her mind around the idea that her reality now included a life in a zip code that didn't exist in the US postal code range. She was fairly sure Fed Ex wouldn't have this place on the map for decades. She didn't even mind that there wasn't a daily newspaper or art galleries dotting a cityscape breathtaking enough to have been sculpted by master artisans. Her eyes strained as she peered out the windows through the morning haze. Who was she kidding? Atlantis itself was an architectural gem thats beauty was unmatched in the realm of the reality she'd previously known. What other wonders were there to behold in the Pegasus Galaxy? Susannah could hardly wait to find out.<p>

"Hey there spike, cool hair. So, I heard we had our first official critter join the expedition and was wondering if you like to fly or like remote control cars? How old are you anyway? Four? Hmmm. Well, I'm sure we'll find something to keep you entertained. Ghost stories?"

His voice echoed in Susannah's ears and the stabbing familiarity resonated painfully in her heart.

Susannah started taking deep calculated breaths praying she was wrong, yet preparing to face the truth that was standing behind her. She could smell him. Even now, four years later, that voice, the hint of sweat mixed with the subtle undertones of his aftershave sent sensations of heat and desire skimming across her skin.

"There should have been anger." She mumbled under her breath, creating a new mantra to shore her through the coming encounter. His voice...she should feel anger, yet she did not. She needed it now, needed the hot flush of indignant fire flooding through her veins. Otherwise, she would…spiraling dots of blackness sprung forth within her eyes.

Elizabeth eyed her strangely. "Are you all right?"

She raised her eyes in bewilderment towards Elizabeth. "There must have been anger." She only barely registered Westley releasing his clutch on her leg and her head tilted just enough to catch a glimpse of confirmation.

"Daddy!" Westley's soft youthful voice somehow brought uncomfortable silence crashing atop the bustling activity of the Gateroom. "Just like in Mama's pictures!"

"Susannah? How…why are you here? I highly doubt they are starting art classes here on Atlantis." John's eyes darted towards Westley and his voice dropped to an angry hiss." Why didn't you tell me, I deserved to know!"

"And there it is." Susannah welcomed the fiery crush of rage that suddenly flooded through her heart. Elizabeth's head cocked as Susannah finally spun around to face John, tangled curls of her long black hair whipping around and scratching against her cheeks.

"Now I understand why you didn't leave a forwarding address. What would you have had me do, John? You stood me up, disappeared from McMurdo; you went completely off the grid. It seemed pretty black and white at the time. How could I have known…," She stretched her arms wide and spun in disbelief, her long skirts swirling wide about her ankles. She stood in the middle of the Gateroom, on a ship in a different universe and was in the middle of an argument she never believed she'd live to have.

She paused with her back to John while their son's voice filled the silence. "I love to fly! They have cool hewicopters at Murmurdo. I mean, Mc Murmurdo. I mean….do you like hewicopters?"

John's voice was carefully clipped. "As a matter of fact, I do, I can even fly them. Here on Atlantis, though, we have ships called Puddle Jumpers. They can fly through space and even underwater."

"Can I see them?" Westley asked.

Susannah wasn't quite ready to turn back to face John. Every second that passed she could feel her heart beating faster and the tears pressing at her eyes were diminishing the anger she desperately needed to cling to.

"John, why don't you take Westley to see a Puddle Jumper. Susannah, I am Teyla. If you approve, I will personally return Westley to your quarters. It will give you time to settle in. Ronon will be glad to escort you there."

A tear slipped hot and angry from her eye when she cocked her head to nod approval to Teyla. The woman's eyes were warm and knowing. For some reason Susannah instantly wanted to trust her.

"Westley?" John's voice had molted into that raspy sensual voice and she felt her knees weaken immediately. Traitors, she inwardly scowled.

"What else could I have chosen…without your consent anyway." She dared not to turn her eyes to him, to let him see the dampness pooling there threatening to paint her face with steaks of streaming water. The muscles in her neck and shoulders grew rigid and painful.

She listened to John's footsteps pound as they left the Gateroom and for the first time began to wonder what she'd gotten herself into. Her struggle for survival had just taken on a new dimension and she wasn't sure she would be up for the fight.


	2. Chapter 2

The morning stretched into afternoon and Susannah had already unpacked all the items that had been carefully packed into her allotted boxes. Everything she and her son possessed were now strewn throughout the suite into her bedroom, her son's bedroom, the living areas, and now finally her studio. Her mind had been racing chaotically and she was finding it difficult to focus on making things neat and orderly. Her senses were overwhelmed with her new surroundings and her heart was overwhelmed with pangs of a bittersweet, unspoken love.

The airy studio had large open windows and an even a balcony overlooking the ocean. She'd never been able to afford such a view before and she could hardly believe this "apartment", so to speak, was now her home. It was austere. Metal walls surrounded her and she could only smile. Atlantis was a city beckoning to the soul of an artisan, particularly one who was fond of working with metal. Now, an array of acrylic paints, inks, artisan papers, and mediums covered her desk. Her metal working materials and metallurgy research were waiting to be unpacked in the lab space that had been allocated to her newly assembled team.

A subtle masculine smell dusted across her nose and her body stilled. Her skin sizzled and her mind again became jumbled with evocative images of the time they'd shared. She needed fresh air, needed to knock away the haze clouding her heart before she faced him. The door was open to the balcony and she moved before it, releasing her long hair from the clip and allowing the ocean breeze to blow through her already wild strands of hair. She heard his breath catch behind her and she smiled ruefully. John had always been enchanted with her frustrating tangles of hair. She pictured his own thick shock of hair spiking wildly and smiled. She was probably one of the few people he knew that could commiserate with trying to manage uncontrollable locks of hair.

He cleared his throat. "Westley is having dinner with Elizabeth. " There was a silence and she heard his footsteps move uncharacteristically slow. "If that's all right with you, of course."

"With Elizabeth? Why should Wes not eat with us?" Susannah stared into the sunset understanding all too well the overwhelming rush of heat that would wash over her if she dared meet his eyes.

"Well…., "John cleared his throat again and she could almost envision him pulling uncomfortably at his collar. "Elizabeth sort of insisted we talk after I asked her why you were here. She said that was your story to tell, not hers."

Susannah nodded inwardly. As much as she didn't want to, she already liked Elizabeth. She could see them being good friends in a different life. But now, she questioned the wisdom of developing such a friendship. Elizabeth was very close to John; Susannah had seen the surprise in her eyes earlier. It had been four years. Just because she'd not moved on didn't mean John hadn't.

"Susannah, why are you _here_?" Soft footsteps crept closer behind her.

She glanced over her shoulder and immediately regretted the weakness. She'd needed to see his eyes. It hurt to find them shielded and indifferent.

"It was classified-"She started.

"You can do better than that."

Susannah winced, diverting her eyes and moving towards her art table. "I wasn't finished, John. It _was _classified. _Is _classified. At McMurdo, you didn't have clearance. I couldn't tell you what my day job consisted of and you never seemed to doubt that my life could have consisted of anything beyond my art and the classes I taught. "

John didn't speak and the following silence panged at her heart. She hadn't meant to slight him. If anything, she'd always been a little disappointed he'd never imagined she could have been more than the whimsical artist who taught at the local community college.

"I told you I was an army brat, but I never explained that my father was never actually enlisted. He was an arms dealer, or manufacturer, rather. We followed the contracts. Over the years, he instilled in me the knowledge he'd learned. I was his only child, his apprentice. Yes, I am an artist, but, I earn my living building guns and weaponry. I also seem to have a knack at analyzing tactical plans. Hank seemed to think it was my background. Art school and gun building seemed to create a permanent blue screen in my mind. I can look at a battle strategy and often I just "see" a methodology that is anything but textbook, but just seems glaringly clear to me. Maybe I've just been lucky, but Hank called it a gift. Apparently, my ideas work. I've been building weapons from the technology the SGC teams have collected over the years and am often called in to consult when the shit hit the fans to offer whatever I can in the way of tactical strategy and positioning."

"You do…._what!_"

Susannah glanced back over her shoulder to find John dragging his fingers through his hair. His eyes bored furiously into the tile flooring.

"Hank….as in General Landry?"

"I went through school with his daughter Carolyn. I've known him a long time. He brought me to McMurdo, before he was even stationed at Cheyenne Mountain."

"You should have told me!" His voice rasped sinfully low.

"John, I already told you. You didn't have clearance."

"_Really?_ I find it hard to believe I had clearance to be intimate enough with you, to have a _son_ with you, but throughout all of that I never really knew who you were. That's bullshit, Susannah, and you know it!"

"Yes, John, it was. Maybe it was bullshit that you can run off to an assignment that takes you off the grid for years without telling the woman you were involved with. Yes, we were casual. No, you never made any promises- nor did I. But, John, had I left on a mission anything like what you embarked upon, I promise you I would have found a way to say goodbye. "

"Well, I _do_ have a forwarding address."

"How could I have known_ this,_ John? It didn't seem right to send a letter when it seemed pretty obvious you just didn't care. I do have a little pride. At the time, it didn't seem like I should waste that on you. "

His body grew rigid and he pivoted harshly on his heal. She watched him head for the door and, though she longed to bite her tongue, she couldn't help but lash out again. "I wasn't the only one who kept secrets was I, John? Though I do understand why you wouldn't want everyone to know you were born with a silver spoon_. I tried._ You will never believe how hard I tried to find you. I needed your support. I _missed _you…"

John paused and then surprisingly turned back to face her.

"I now know where you father and brother live. Finding them was easy. Surprising, but easy. I could never find you, though." Cursing inwardly she swiped a hot, angry tear from her cheek. "I can promise you, _you _are the last person I expected to encounter on this mission."

The silence that permeated the room crushed down upon her head. "I don't want to fight with you, John, but I don't know how to cut through your moods anymore. Back at McMurdo, I could drag you down to the tavern for a beer and some darts. I could make you go hiking with me. I show up here and, astonishingly, you are getting along with your boss- and you, _you_ are the military leader, John. I don't know the subtle little tricks to make you relax and smile anymore; I don't even know how to talk to you. I can't even make you go golfing with me, _that _was always guaranteed to make you loosen up. That leaves me with nothing, nothing, unless you want me to throw some paint on you again. _That_ night turned out pretty well if I remember correctly."

She spotted the corners of his eyes crinkle slightly when he turned his head back to hers. His shoulders noticeably relaxed and he walked slowly towards her. As he crept closer, she noted the subtle changes she'd overlooked earlier. The smattering of silver lacing through his hair, the gently creasing wrinkles hinting at the corners of his eyes. Dark circles had laid claim to the space under those hazel eyes and she instinctively reached her hands towards him.

It had been her ritual when they'd been together. He'd never wanted to talk about his missions, but she'd always been driven to understand what he'd endured. For some reason now he let her fingers begin the haphazard trek down his neck towards his chest seeking out new scars of battle. It only took a moment to discover the first. Susannah had never been one to indulge John with patience. Her fingers raced to grasp the hem of his shirt tugging it insistently from beneath his BDU's.

He pulled it free of his body and allowed her hands to resume their search. Her fingertips again went to his neckline to continue. Tracing another new scar down his chest, she winced and tried to drag in a deep breath of fresh air. But her breathing had grown ragged and John's chest had ceased to move at all. The air seemed to still in the room as her finger trailed down his chest along the line of another scar.

"We're not safe here, are we?" John eyes pressed shut and his head fell towards the floor. "I should have never brought Wes, I never dreamed they'd allow a child to come if there was this much danger. Can I protect him here, John?"

"Not alone. Maybe not at all. But I promise you, there isn't a single person involved with this mission who wouldn't die trying. "John suddenly twisted uncomfortably wiping his hands across the small of his back.

Susannah hadn't even realized she'd wrapped her arms around his waist... She slowly brought her hands up to examine them. "Just a little paint, John. It'll wash away in a few days."

He swiped his paint smudged hand across her nose. "Feel so ambivalent now?"

"John!" The door swished open and McKay thudded in seemingly oblivious to the fact he had neither knocked nor been invited inside. "She builds guns! Did you know that?"

She found it amusing that Rodney had seemed to expect to find John here. But Susannah was more surprised to find John's face morphing into a bemused expression. His eyes crinkled and a sly knowing smirk crawled across his face.

Rodney's head swiveled back and forth between their bodies. "Oh. I see. I almost feel like calling you Major again, John. I haven't seen that Kirk smirk crossing your face since…..- and _where_ is your shirt! Just wait until Elizabeth hears about your behavior. She'll- what is that all over you both? Did you roll in paint!"

Susannah turned to grace John with a wicked wink before facing McKay. She'd always loved screwing with his friends. "You could only be Dr. Rodney McKay. It is a great pleasure to meet you." She saw John throw a shrug towards McKay while she took slow languid steps well beyond the acceptable limits of the scientist's personal space. "I must say, Rodney; I had been greatly anticipating meeting you. You are a noted scientist after all. Sadly, John was able to make a persuasive case to remind me of his own merits. "She winked at John again and tossed his shirt towards him.

She took one step closer to McKay and the pitch of her voice dropped low. She moved so close she could practically feel the scientists skin prickling. She pressed her body close and her mouth against his ear. "By the way, Sam sends her greetings." She said, grasping his rear quite firmly.

"What, I….what?" McKay sputtered and spun wildly when she released him.

"Susannah, love, what's going on?" Carson breezed into her quarters looking bewildered at the state of her company. "How are you feeling, my dear?"

"I feel fine, Carson, thank you." Susannah turned towards John. Her heart hummed with pleasure when she found his eyes shining warmly upon her. "I think John and I are about to go flying. I can't wait to try out these Puddle Jumpers."

McKay straightened and jabbed a finger into the air. "Of course, you understand you won't be able to fly them. Training notwithstanding, you need to have the ancient gene to use that technology."

"That won't be a problem ,Rodney, Susannah was a natural carrier." Carson grimaced, seeming to already anticipate Rodney's displeasure.

"Unbelievable." McKay scowled fiercely at John. "I suppose that means I need to work on childproofing the city? Unbelievable."

John's face scrunched up and he stood up and tugged on his shirt. He strode over to Susannah. "We probably out to have McKay go over some safety protocol with you and Wes regarding Atlantian technology. The kids a natural."

Susannah's head cocked sideways with surprise. John's chest had noticeably puffed outwards with pride when he spoke of Wes. John had matured in ways she would have never dreamed. He would be a good father.

John caught her staring and cleared his throat uncomfortably. "So…ready to fly?"

"I hate to admit it, but actually, my license lapsed. I haven't really gotten enough air time since Wes was born."

"I can imagine. Well, don't worry. The ancient gene is the only license you need to fly these ships."

McKay started tapping his foot. "Unbelievable. Four years, Carson, four years and I've dated what- one woman since I've been posted here. A botanist. Sheppard's got a gun building, pilot undressing him within minutes. And she has the gene!"

Carson blinked wildly. "They are standing right _there_ Rodney, be quiet! Besides, she's the mother of his child."

"Who also has the gene, don't remind me. Where's Zelenka? We should have been warned! Do you know what that kid could do to Atlantis? I'm not going to sleep for weeks!"

John placed his hand at the small of her back and began steering her firmly away from the room.

"Wait. I forgot to deliver the rest of the message from Sam." Susannah turned back to grab McKay, giving him a firm hug before planting a kiss on his cheek. "I think she misses you Rodney."

She moved back towards John glancing over her shoulder to find McKay with his mouth wide open sputtering intelligible noises.

"Perfect. Just perfect. "Carson wailed. "I was meant to be off duty tonight and she's gone and given him a stroke. "

Her eyes darted to John who was turning red trying not to laugh.

"You're still wicked." He whispered appreciatively before grasping her hand and pulling her into retreat. "Sam never told you to do that."

"Maybe not. But….it had to be done. Sam shared enough with me that it just seemed deserved. It's almost like he asks for it, isn't it?" She asked.

"You haven't even seen him on his best behavior yet. So, you really want to fly now?"

"No. Not really. I'm guessing there are probably a lot of crew members around those ships. " She didn't think she was really up for a high visibility night.

John bit down on his lip frowning. She hadn't been wrong in her assumption. For a large city, Atlantis probably operated like a small village when it came to hot gossip. News of Wes had probably reached every earbud in the city.

"You'd be guessing correctly." John looked thoughtfully towards her. "But, you did mention golf…"

"You've got to be kidding me." She eyed him suspiciously. "Got beer?"

His eyes twinkled earnestly with that and her stomach rolled deliciously.

"You'd better have some decent iron, I didn't bring mine." She tried to keep her voice neutral.

John's face molted into one of sheer childlike delight and she couldn't help but yelp at his eagerness. With that heart melting smirk, he grasped her hand tighter and tugged her into motion. She hadn't felt so carefree….well, that was a sobering thought that she pushed aside. It had been over four years and it had been beneath the light flowing from his eyes. Golf it was, she decided as she fought to keep up with his pace to not be drug behind him.

TBC...

A/N: Apologies for any errors, one day I will mend my wicked ways and make sure to have a beta for every posting.

Thank you all for the warm welcome back. It means more than you could ever know. If things keep progressing, I hope to be around a little more consistently. So *crosses fingers* _see you out there!_


	3. Chapter 3

Four Weeks Later:

Elizabeth was pacing furiously on the balcony beside her office. Susannah had grown accustomed to Elizabeth radiating that kind of nervous energy whenever danger was near and John was in the depths of those unseen risks. But today, that sight only sent her blood pressure spiking wildly. Susannah went racing up the stairs, she hadn't been able to find Wes and the alarms had been blaring for over ten minutes. That paired with Elizabeth's behavior only confirmed her growing fears. The control room, he had to be in the control room; she thought biting down harshly on her lip. The boy had taking a liking to Chuck, hopefully he- Susannah's breath caught as John stormed onto the balcony. He was brandishing his P90 and furiously yelling orders to the Marines on the Gateroom floor below them. He grabbed Elizabeth by the elbow and pulled her away leading her into the control room and pointing towards the transport beyond.

"Mama!" Wes snatched hold of her leg looking terrified.

John's head snapped up when he heard Wes' voice and Susannah could practically hear him cursing under his breath.

"Lorne, get them out of here! We've got Wraith docking. They say they want an alliance meeting, but this wasn't planned and _definitely_ was not approved. The Wraith do _not_ need to know about him."

"John, I-"Susannah didn't even finish her thought before John swiftly dismissed her.

"Lorne!" John swiveled around and started peering over a monitor with Elizabeth.

Lorne managed a joke that brought a quick smile to Wes' face before scooping the boy up and beckoning for Susannah to follow. Her eyes darted back to find John and Elizabeth staring somberly at each other. A moment later their shoulders brushed when they turned back to the monitor before them.

Lorne tugged her elbow gently nudging her ahead. "Don't take it personally; they've been through a lot together. They have a way of making us _all_ feel like outsiders when they're focused on a problem." Lorne's voice rang loudly as the sirens finally fell to a silence.

"It's more of the talking without saying a word thing that's disturbing. Communication was always challenging for John and I." She shook her head. "More than you cared to know. Sorry. I'm probably getting too comfortable around you. I'm sure all this babysitting of us wasn't on your list of priorities before we arrived on Atlantis. Wes and I have spent more time with you than we have John."

They stepped inside the transport and Lorne eased Wes to the floor. "It's okay. Better me than McKay. That man can talk more than anyone I've ever met. Not the best at keeping secrets, or so I hear. Besides, I've been wanting to see the progression of your recent painting. You need to let me borrow your inks, its genius the way you use it in your works."

Ten minutes later Susannah was feeling a bit in the midst of an alternate reality. Evan was on the floor playing Lego's with Wes and a ten minute walk away Atlantis was being boarded by the most vicious villains Susannah could imagine. She'd never even seen a Wraith and, yet, their images had begun to haunt her dreams.

Evan nodded encouragingly at her from time to time; she knew he was receiving updates from his team. Because of Wes, they spoke nothing of the threat around them. She sank heavily into the couch thanking the gods for the millionth time for the grace and patience Evan exuded in their company. He was a soldier. He was meant to be elsewhere. Yet, he never complained and every day that passed Susannah was more grateful for his company. He had a mischievous, sarcastic side that she found delicious. It reminded her of John, well, of how John used to be.

John's experiences on Atlantis had transformed him more than she could have ever imagined. Being reunited with him had been much like encountering an old college roommate. A soft burn rose through her cheeks. Yes, John had been much more than that. But after the initial buzz of acting like the couple they'd been in the past, Susannah had grown tired of trying so hard to bring the John she'd remembered to life. She wasn't the same woman she'd been back then either. She was a mother now and her priorities had changed her in ways he didn't even begin to see. If he'd _ever _been really able to see her before. John had told her he wasn't involved with anyone, but beyond helping her remove his shirt that first night, he'd never attempted to bring their relationship back to an intimate level.

"_They're_ gone." Lorne mouthed and nodded towards Wes.

Wes had curled up into a tiny ball and was wondrously asleep. Evan gingerly lifted him and carried him to his bed. Something warm began to kindle deep within her while she watched the man gently tuck Wes into his bed. She cocked her head sideways, watching Evan quietly reenter the living area. That sort of heat didn't happen overnight and she was amazed to find she'd been so long oblivious to the man before her.

"Evan? Up for a movie tonight?"

His sly but endearing smile sent fiery sparks through her viens. It had been too long since a man looked at her like that. At least, that she'd noticed, anyway.

"Only if it includes dinner. You've cooked for me too many times. I owe you a night of rest."

Susannah had to bite down on her lip to hide her crazy smile. She'd never _really_ cooked for Evan; she'd cooked for herself and Wes and invited Evan to join them on several occasions. Evan slid off his jacket and she had to turn around to shield the appreciation probably radiating from her eyes. His dark shirt clung to a nicely muscled body that she had never truly appreciated before.

"Allright. But you should know, I'm really more of a desert kind of girl." She shyly darted her eyes back around and was rewarded with a delighted look of shock gracing Evan's face. Just as the blush started grazing his cheeks, she turned away. "Make yourself at home. I'm going to change into something more comfortable."

Her cheeks panged against the push of her wide smile at the sound of Evan's gasp. What do you know, she thought wickedly. She strode away with more mojo in her step than she'd felt in years.

A/N: I can NOT believe anyone has called me out on my bluff so far. Now I know how kind you all are. Thank you! I seriously could not believe I have not seen bloodshed from my fellow Sparky friends and followers yet. Maybe you know me too well and were just patiently biting down on your lips waiting and trusting in my Sparkiness. But alas, I am who I am. You know where this is going? _Right? _Ah well, like I said, this is different than anything I've tried before and I'm a bit rusty. So, bear with me. If I don't get my Sparky mojo back in this piece, some magic is bound to happen sooner or later.


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